They're cute. Cute ones are. Ugly ones aren't. I'll get to going out with a chick and at some point she'll say, "You have a foot fetish," to which I'll reply, "No, I don't think so-really." Next, she'll say, "Yeah, you do-you always say my feet are cute and sexy and you like rubbin' 'em, and I catch you looking at them when we're on the couch." In an effort to defend my self-perceived normalness I reply, "Yeah, I like you're feet, but they're cute; they're hot. I don't like unhot feet, so I don't have a foot fetish-do I? I mean, I like your fingers, too, but I don't like them swollen looking ones some girls have. Nothing against puffy fingered girls, lots of puffy fingered gals are sweet I'm sure. Would I not dig a gal cause she has puffy fingers? No. But I also wouldn't be all over her fingers saying how hot they are, lying essentially. So would you say cause I think you're fingers are gorgeous that I have a hand fetish? I just dig your feet."
All the while I know I have a foot fetish.
Another reason I'd say I don't have a foot fetish is because I think dude's feet are nasty. I think any dude who wears sandals should be sentenced to cleaning crocodile pens. (Unless you're my doctor) I do not want to see your feet dudes. So, if I had a foot fetish, wouldn't I like all types of feet, which would include dude feet? Or are fetishes solely heterosexual? Complicated stuff this foot fetish stuff, isn't it?
A main reason to believe I have a foot fetish (and this is where you folks who think my writing can sometimes be overtly sexual or perverted, should skip): When foot bearing season arrives, and gals start to tinkle their pretty little tootsies in public, I feel like I'm seeing a part of them I shouldn't be allowed to see. Growing up and living in Vermont means barefoot season is short-so when you finally, after 10 months of sock wearing season, do see a gal's bare pair of peds, it's like you're seeing, well, things you shouldn't see.
Feet, I believe, were designed to be covered, for protection mostly, yes, but because they're so often covered, they become a private part, in my book. Therefore, when it's foot-baring season, I get a bit blushy, and fetishy about it. So, sue me.
Course that would explain why I don't need to be seeing a dude's feet.
Across the room in a restaurant the other night, a gal, her back to me, was wearing flip-flops; not cheap drug-store rubber ones. Actually, I think you'd call them sandals or maybe flipdals. Doesn't matter what you call them, what matters is what this chick was doing with her feet was driving me crazy.
Keeping her feet in her sandals, she'd stretch them into the tippy-toe position. I liked that move. She'd pull a foot half way out and slowly push it back into the flip-dal, repeatedly. That was hot. She'd rummage around the straps of the flip-dal with her toes, in a way that you could tell felt awfully good on her toes. She'd back her feet out of the straps and lay them both down fully on top of the flip-dals. And my favorite; She'd bend her feet up into tippy-toe position, but with her toes bent under, so from behind her you could see the little toe pads to each of her ten toes.
Did I mention she had a perfect arch, and her heels looked soft?
I wonder if married guys ever sit at dinner and watch girls play around with their feet?
Most days pass without anything much spectacular happening that would cause us to remember that day them from the thousands of other days we will hopefully be blessed to live. The day I watched the gal at the restaurant playing with her feet was not one of those thousands of unspectacular days.
I have a foot fetish. It's strong enough to make me engage parts of my memory that cares less about the 24-hour news cycle and Jon and Kate and 8. So now, if you thought a foot fetish could only be a bad thing, well, you see you were mistaken.
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at email@example.com. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com