I have started to think that the people that prepare those product warning labels are making fun of us. Maybe it's just a symptom of the litigious nation that we have become. Some of the warning labels seem to have been written with humor or sarcasm in mind. I offer the following as proof.
Warning on a 5 inch fishing lure with a three pronged hook; "harmful if swallowed." Gee, there's a surprise. Warning on baby stroller; "remove child before folding." Could there be a parent so bereft that they would actually fold their child into a stroller? Warning on a household iron; "never iron clothes while they are being worn." Sadly I can envision a scenario where this could happen. Warning on Conair hair dryer; "do not use in the shower or while sleeping." This warning is obviously aimed at time efficiency experts that want to make the best use of their time by multi tasking.
There may be a deeper message imbedded in the warning only understood by persons with an I.Q of 150 or better. Warning on hotel shower cap; "fits one head only." This could be aimed at conjoined twins possibly or environmentalists seeking to save water by showering together? Warning on fireplace lighter; "do not use near fire, flames or spark." Given the warning, how is the user supposed to use the lighter if they cannot use near fire, it's a lighter, it creates fire?
Warning on a can of self defense pepper spray; "caution, spray may irritate the eyes." This warning is obviously aimed at self loathing consumers that are contemplating making themselves even more miserable. Warning on knife sharpener; "caution, knives may be sharp". This may be aimed at consumers that are not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Instructions on an American Airlines bag of peanuts; "Open package, eat nuts." Maybe there are passengers that are absoloutely paralyzed with indecision. Open the bag, don't open the bag. Eat the peanuts, don't eat the peanuts. A quick glance at the bag solves the problem for the most indecisive person.
Warning on chainsaw; "never use hand to stop moving chain." This one is a no brainer, in other words, if you grab a moving saw chain, you have no brain.
Warning on TV remote; "not dishwasher safe." This warning may be addressing the people that take cleanliness just a little too far. Warning on box of rat poison, "causes cancer in laboratory mice." Maybe the manufacturer is letting the consumer know that their rat poison may be a cancer risk to them as humans share the same essential DNA that mice have. In other words, don't eat the rat poison because you might get cancer or in the short run; worse.
Warning on Cycle Aware bike helmet mounted mirror, "objects seen in the mirror are actually behind you." The warning should say, do not ride a bike if you can't figure out that the objects in the mirror are behind you. Warning on Halloween Batman costume, "this costume does not give the wearer the ability to fly." Be safe, read the warning labels, it might save your life or just make you laugh. Remember, all kids count.
Scot Hurlburt can be reached by e-mail at email@example.com