Fwoooouuahhhww! The sound an outgoing e-mail message makes when it leaves the send box? Nope. Bap! Poooff! Bonggg! Twaack! Sounds Batman and Robin's make when landing on the bad guys chins? Not exactly.
ZZzzing, doung, dong, bwootee-goo-dang-gong! A Chinese dude describing the sound his wok made when his wife threw it at him? Ah, not quite.
Crack! Whowoff! The sound a baseball bat makes whiffing past Mariano Rivera's cutter? Could be, but a little off.
Warning: What follows is a tired, lame, Tiger Woods joke-
Crash, crash, crash, crash! The sound created by Elin Woods as she tried to kill her hubby? Yes, but the four crash sounds-and the array of sounds I just noted-are all sounds made by your car when you drive it off the Eisenhower Interstate Highway System into the medium. Hopefully that's news to you, but I gather it's not.
The past few winters driving on the interstate highway, I've entertained myself by counting car divets in the medium. There's been so many to count, I've hardly had time to text.
Last night, I counted 15 fresh car divots on the 25-mile-long stretch of highway between Williston and Waterbury, and yesterday was a dry weather day!
What the heck is going on out there drivers? R.U. High? (Sorry, that's an obscure reference to Randolph Union High School.)
If you are the person who caused a divot, and you were high or drunk when you caused it, you're a dope-period, no excuse. You can, however, use your abuse of substances as an excuse for driving off the road. You can't use the substance, you can use your use of it.
I'm going to guess about one-third of the divots can be traced back to substance folly. I get that. What I don't get is why for the other two-thirds?
Am I missing something? Are the local television news shows paying people to drive off the road so they'll have something for the evening newscast? Must be so because not only has the weather been less severe the past handful of years, but road maintenance has, in large measure, strode mightily regarding effectiveness toward drivability. It seems the better the roads are, overall, the more you go off them. It's kind of like the more information we have on eating a healthy diet, the fatter and less healthy we become.
I feel for the police and highway/driving safety teams. It can't be fun risking your life teetering about up on the interstate freeway in horribly frigid conditions, hand-holding yet another shivering dufus while they cry frozen tears onto your uniform and blurt: "There was nothing I could do, all of a sudden I was twirling off the road."
Well shivering dufi, there is something you can do-in fact, there are lots of somethings you can do to avoid driving off the interstate or any road. The list is endless, I'll jot down a handful. Thank me at the rest area.
To be continued...
However, I'll leave you with something my Dad used to tell me when I'd bring home a new auto or motorcycle. Just after he'd compliment me and my new rig, he'd say: "That's a beautiful machine. See it there? Look at it, use it and enjoy it. But remember, that machine will only do what you make it do. Use your head, operate it well, and respect it, and you'll never have a problem." Easier said than done for more Vermont drivers than any of us care to admit.
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com