When my friend asked which celebrity I'd most like to meet I thought about it.
"Hmmm, I have to think about that one. How about you?" "Tiger Woods," my friend said without hesitation.
Tiger Woods? I'd rather meet a celebrity who would at least pretend to be glad to meet me, too. Not busting on Tiger Woods, but I watched him golf the other day-man, that dude is zoned. Focused. Pinching grass and peggin' it into the air, watching where it lands, figuring how the wind is blowing. If he's that focused watching glass clippings, think of how much deader those teenage pirates would have been if Tiger were a shootin' Navy Seal. He wouldn't have to use a gun, he could just stare them to death.
At the Masters event on Easter Sunday, I saw Tiger stand with his eyes beaded on the cup hole, or whatever they call it, starin' like Christ himself was gonna rise right up and out of it. The dude is serious about his golf and it shows. We can learn from Tiger.
Tell you what gets me about him: His teeth. Dude has some teeth. You ever really look at Tiger's teeth? Things are huge. They're par fives. Not just the front top two, all of em, they're all the same size. It's amazing. And he's got so many. Seems like twice the amount I got. I mean the gol darn guy-tell ya what, I don't know if he was born with them or if he had them implanted after he got rich, but I'd rather play him at golf than be in a biting contest against him. I have wicked smile envy when it comes to Tiger Woods. I could care less that he could putt a beach ball into a mousehole.
Plus he has those eyes. What attractive, great big huge eyes he has. It's no wonder he's such a good golfer; cripes he can see five times better then the rest of those puny eyed characters trotting around out there on the course. He's a severe looking dude, Tiger Woods.
It's interesting to think, I think: Would Tiger Woods be "Tiger Woods" if he wasn't so Tiger Woodsy looking? Would he get all the media attention and the money if he looked like say, me? I don't think so; if he looked like me it would just be that he was the best golfer of all time with red hair, normal sized teeth and average blue eyes. It would suck for us all.
It's the same with race-car driver Richard Petty. Richard Petty looks like he should. Same with the late Dale Earnhardt. If Dale Earnhardt looked like Dave Letterman, he couldn't have been as big as he was in stock car racing. Divo Pavarotti, same thing. Michael Phelps, he looks exactly like he should. Now Jewel, the singer, she doesn't look like Jewel should. She should be darker skinned, like an Indian woman. She's much to fair and tiny to be outrageously effective as Jewel. She can sing and play, but, nah, she isn't hands down Jewel, like say Uma Thurman is Uma Thurman. Uma looks like she should.
You know who should really look different than he does? Jay Leno. That dude, man, he doesn't look anymore like he should look than I look like Beyonce. No, Jay Leno should be much more thin, with a larger mouth so he could speak well enough to understand, which he has trouble doing, and he should move slower, have more relaxed hair, and not so gray; he should have a calmer voice. So Jay, the poor guy, not only does he not look like he should, he doesn't sound like he should either-that is if he really wanted to be the quintessential Jay Leno.
Well, whatever-I've gone astray with this whole looking like you should thing, but I think there's something to be said about it when taking ones desire to be as effective as they can be as a human into account.
I go to one of the few full-serve gas stations still in operation in Vermont, and there are five gas jockeys working there. Four of them look like gas jockeys, one doesn't, and when I see I'm getting the one that doesn't look like a gas jockey, I'm disappointed. Not only does he not look like a gas jockey, he doesn't act like one. Which begs the question, does he not look like one cause he doesn't act like one, or does he not act like one cause he doesn't look like one? He actually looks more like he should be a doctor.
When I drive away after having him fill the tank, I don't feel as fulfilled as when the gas jockey looking gas jockeys fill it. There is something to be said for judging a book by its cover.
Anyway, you like Tiger enough to meet him? Good for you. I say, he's just a guy whose good fortune is that he has passion, will, and talent and happens to be paid unbelievably well. What if he had loved badminton?
The celebrity I'd choose to meet would be T.V. game show host Bob Barker. Interesting career, and another guy who looks like he should.
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com