Everyone talks about the financial problems the banks, automobile, credit-card companies and learning institutions are having, but no one talks about how you and your gang are doing. How come?
Are you a shy P.R. spokesperson? You must have been hit hard with the price increase of wood and glue, saw blades, paints, brushes and company health care payments. And God knows, they don't give elf workboots away. If you're sinking Santa, get in line cause that bailout money will be gone faster than a 500-pound sack of grain at a Reindeer mixer.
Santa, what do you have? 10,000? 20,000 elves on the payroll? And 40 or 50 reindeers? That's a large nut, Santa. How is it you haven't gone belly-up and had to cancel Christmas '08? I guess you're either a first-rate businessman or you're running a cult up there.
Is that it? Are you running a Jonestown-like cult? Do you put those poor little elfsters under a spell and make them work 16 hours a day, seven days a week for just room and board and a few bucks extra for Friday night karaoke? That's a little rough isn't it Santa? I've always thought the part in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, where the elves gather and sing "We are Santa's Elves" was a bit icky.
I'm not prying' Santa baby, I'm just saying it's nearly 2009 and the media is everywhere; sooner or later one of them is going to crack open your serenity like a can of tuna. You better have an explanation for why you're still running in the black and rolling along like it was 2005. You don't want the news media even tiptoeing around that whole "sees you when you're sleeping thing" man, cause since Michael Jackson, that stuff don't really fly no more.
I'm a huge fan of yours, Santa, always have been, but the older I get the more cynical I become and the more curious I am about your - how shall I say - "back story."
Santa, are you immortal? Are you a third coming of some sort? When a Pope dies he's replaced, but it seems there's only ever been one Santa. I'm sorry but I find that fact alone to be more than a bit self-righteous. If we're to be expected to take this whole Santa Claus thing seriously, shouldn't a big elf eventually die, and be replaced by another?
Santa, why are you still fat? Surely nutritional information gets to the North Pole despite there being no landmass at the northern pole; can't you buck up and show a little discipline? If you keep on the way you're going, you'll get the sugar, if you don't have it already. Do you have a death wish? You're only good to us if you're healthy, you know. I say this year pass up the cookies and milk and you'll find you'll drop 50 or 60 pounds, in just one night.
Another thing, most Christmas movies only show and talk about guy elves. What's that all about? Is Santa running a friggin' cloning factory up there or what? Or maybe Santa doesn't allow girl elves in the work place? Maybe Santa is a chauvinist? Is there such thing as a girl elf? One of the things I'm curious about.
Hey man, I don't really care what you've got going on up there, I'll always think you're the bomb, I'm just saying, time is running out on being able to live in secrecy. Fact is I can't believe you've kept us in the dark this long.
So Santa, my gift to you this year is information on why it's not to late for you to come clean and tell us all exactly what's in that pipe you're smoking that's making you so dang jolly all the time. And while you're at it, please tell me the line, "dashing through the snow," has absolutely nothing to do with your pressing a finger to your nostril before you head up the chimney.
Be good Santa.
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at email@example.com. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com