To the Valley News:
While the DNC (Do Nuttin’ Club) was shocked to hear that we have been accused of launching a conspiracy to defeat a candidate in the recent Essex Election, we were more upset at the accusation that our attendees are a cabal of old, dirty, subversive conspirators, misogynists prone to Comstockery, favor agonistic attitudes, and assume basilisk postures. We take umbrage with such invidious charges. WE ARE NOT, I REPEAT, WE ARE NOT, DIRTY!! WE ALL TAKE SHOWERS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK. We must, however, admit that our threat to give every person voting in the Essex November election a free trip to watch the Essex County Board of Supervisors in action might be construed as voter manipulation and, conversely, probably caused many Essex voters to skip voting.
We also must admit that we have penetrated the inner sanctum of the Iranian nation to place broken glass in the humps of camels, thus making them difficult to ride. We also admit that we are behind the action to establish a new voting rights law requiring all members of the U.S. Congress to have an IQ larger than woolly bear caterpillars.
Now folk, we ask you, would the DNC, a group of chronic underachievers who like doing nothing, change their spirit of inactivity, wake up and perform such a mean-spirited act like planning to interfere in a simple election? That’s doing something! After all folk, while our attendees come from five townships, only four can vote in Essex. In fact, in the last election, two of us got lost trying to find the voting place. Further, 95 percent of attendees didn’t even know, or care to know, Essex candidates.
Anyone claiming the DNC planned to exercise conspiracy campaign perfidies is obviously conducting an ill-advised attempt to shift blame for their own administrative inadequacies upon four voters.