So, hello 50. So the doc said I “should get a colonoscopy.” He alerted the colonoscopers, and the colonoscopers contacted and scheduled me for Aug. 2.
So they mailed me two prescriptions and a pamphlet instructing me to not eat for 24 hours prior to the colonoscopic procedure. Sometime during those 24 hours I was to mix the prescribed syrupy concoction with a gallon of water, and take that and the prescribed laxative pill, then hang on to my hat as the self administered bowel cleanse evacuates.
So the pamphlet read that on the procedure day they’ll give me drugs that will numb not only my piping but also to a degree my head, and the numbing will linger, which means I’d need to find someone to pick me up and drive me home. The total situation from fasting to the end of the lingering drug funk, will last a goodly 30 hours, or a loss of two workdays.
So the pamphlet noted that I was to, at 9 the next morning, at the hospital in a robe, lay on my side and accept a camera up the keester for the purpose of checking for polyps and signs of cancer or other intestinal issues.
I’m not complaining, it’s my choice, but I don’t have medical insurance, and the drugs and procedure will ring up nearly $1,500.
Pa died at 93, quite possibly with an intestine fairly well populated with polyps.
Ma is 81, and had her first colonoscopy three years ago, and came though clear as a drum …, the eye can see …, ah, the ring of a bell, clear as the ringing of a bell, is what I’m looking for. And my sister, who, between you and I has some intestinal issues, has had a colonoscopy, and checked out perfect.
I got to thinking about all this colonoscopy stuff, and got to thinking that if the medical folks are trying to be helpful, and a colonoscopy is very important to have, why did they wait till I was 50 to suggest I have one? Why not suggest I have one at 47 or 48?
I turned having the procedure over in my head again and again and asked men who’ve had it their thoughts about the experience.
So when I go to the dump, once a week, I go around my home and discard things, used candles, old kitchen utensils, worn socks, books I’ve read, and trucker caps that I’ve for some reason or another saved that I take to a guy who lives in my ma’s complex. I don’t want things I don’t need.
I called the colonoscopy office gal and cancelled my appointment. Told her I never drank, don’t smoke but a cigar or three a month, like a deer I eat lots of veggies and like a bear lots of seeds and nuts, I exercise 2 to 3 hours a day, get proper rest, don’t have stress, no responsibilities, don’t drink coffee, don’t take drugs, not even over the counter aspirin, never had a problem loading the bowl, (maybe a polyp or two would slow my flow down to a more reasonable rate), don’t have stomach aches, and I don’t get headaches. I told her I don’t always wear my seat belt, but thought that didn’t relate to colonoscopies. Told her the dump story. I told her I don’t think I need a colonoscopy.
She agreed and said they’d take me off the list and I should call if ever I thought I’d want one. She said any polyps they’d find they’d zap so there would not be a tummy problem down the line. “That’s all,” she said they were shooting for.
I think colonoscopies have been marketed really well. I think some folks need to get one.
I don’t think I need a colonoscopy.
So, do you think I’m stupid?
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act “The Logger.” His column appears weekly. Reach him at email@example.com.