It’s going to be zero degrees. “But with the windchill it’s going to be 20 degrees below.”
It can’t be that.
It can be zero degrees and wicked windy. But it can’t be zero degrees, but with the wind really 20 degrees below. It’s still zero degrees.”
That line is some of the material I wrote for my first comedy show. It worked for most folks. It was a line that was a bit funny, while at the same time made you think a little to understand.
After that passage I’d continue: “They don’t say, ‘It’s going to be 80 degrees, but with the Sun it’s going to be 120.’”
That line worked very well as what I call a capper, a medium to low funny line that is meant to be a throwaway that caps a thought or topic, in such a way as to allow momentum be picked back up after a very strong think-about line.
That capper line made sense 10 or 12 years ago, but not anymore, because now they do say that. “They” being the weather folks. now they do say, “It’s going to be 80 degrees, but with the sun it’s going to feel like 91.” Now how the hang do they know how warm I’ll feel?
I might be a redneck who just come from Cumberland Farms where I’d just loaded up a big, huge plastic jug full of Coca Cola slurpie. That’s why them poor redneck kids walk around in winter jackets during the summer —their gol darn gullets are so full of slurpie, they’re walking around friggin’ hypo gol darn thermick.
Wind-chill factor, cripes. I wish we’d all just let things be what they’re going to be.
Pretty soon teachers will be handing out tests, “Class today’s test is 25 questions, all multiple choice, but for you five dumb Republicans in the back they’re going to seem like fill-in-the-blank.”
Divorced father of three has his kids on the weekend, takes them to the creemee stand, said, “How much are medium creemees?” “Oh they’re $1.60, but for your child support paying ass they’re going to seem like $5.25.”
Wind chill factor attitude’s making us all soft.
Alright Weather Man, it’s going to be 80 degrees, but with the sun it’s gonna feel like 91. But I’m a fast walker, so, now you know what you gotta do? Now you gotta factor in the friggin wind-chill. You gonna do that for me wise guy who went to a crappy college that had a pretty good meteorologist department? You gonna do that for me, huh? 80 degrees but with the sun 91 with a 5 mile an hour walkin pace? Tell me weather man, just how gol danged warm am I gonna feel today?
And if I’m a slurpie-swillin’, winter-jacket-wearin’-in-the-summer poor guy walking 5 miles an hour on a sunny 80 degree day, there ain’t no gol darn computer modelin in the world’s gonna tell you how warm I’m gonna feel, is there weather man? Admit it, you can’t really forecast the weather any more sure than I can tell you Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman ain’t got peckers.
So I’ll let you off the hook weatherman. If I’m standing in the sun, I know I’ll feel warmer. Standing in the wind, cooler. And gol darn it to heck I ain’t no genius weather man, but if I’m standin in the rain, I’m going to feel wetter. These things I know.
Tell me something I don’t know weather man; I don’t care what town or state I'm in, but at the super market when the lost cat posters are girl cats who are black with a little bit of white under their chin, why are they always named Chloe? Is it because all black girls cats with a little bit of white under their chins are named Chloe? Or is it that same cat just keeps getting lost?
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act “The Logger.” His column appears weekly. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.